If I was the Law |
Crime |
Punishment |
Driving erratically due to carphone |
Confiscation of carphone, car and credit cards. |
Driving slowly due to poor vision: |
Subject to immediate roadside eyesight examination with CHP approved
eye test. Failure punished by loss of license and thorough tongue lashing. |
Failure to pull vehicles over to shoulder after accident: |
25 hours community service sweeping roads. |
Intentionally cutting off lanesplitters: |
Severe barebottom whipping with car antenna. 25 whacks on location.
Also administered to lanesplitters who won't get out of the way for faster
lanesplitters. |
Failure to get more than one car through a left turn at a light: |
$1000 fine, to pay for a weekend of assertiveness training. |
Reading while driving: |
Driver must eat the offending reading material. |
Slow in left lane: |
This one is very, very serious. More barebottom spanking, in plain view of the road. 5 spanks per car blocked with a wooden ruler. |
Most people have to get real close to figure out that you're not a cop when you're riding one of these bikes. I've spent half my life looking out for cops, and even when I was a kid I knew that cop bikes have blue lights and reflectors. I'm the guy who can spot that glimmer of reflective P-O-L-I-C-E lettering on a trunk lid from a quarter mile away at night. Most of my buddies are the same way, and I really didn't think that so many people would think I was a cop, but its true. The outline of the white fairing is very distinctive, and I guess a lot of people don't realize that policemen don't wear jeans and full face helmets. For that matter, hardly any policemen have ponytails or wear blade sunglasses, but that's OK with me.